In my ongoing exploration of human relationships and the invisible forces fueling our collective struggles, I’m repeatedly drawn back to one crucial need: individuation.
Not to be confused with individuality—a shallow imitation—it’s the deep, essential process of becoming fully ourselves. Without it, we suffer, and so does the world.
But first, let’s talk about authority: who is the author of your life? Who’s dictating your choices and thoughts? That voice inside your head—whose is it really? Let’s begin there.
From Tribal Authority to Personal Authority: The Pathway of Individuation
Let’s get real for a second: How much of your life has been lived for someone else’s approval? How often do you actually want someone else to tell you what to do?
Whether it’s seeking validation from your parents, partners, or even social media likes, this pattern can be exhausting at least, psychosis inducing at worst. If you’re feeling that weight, that deep longing for a life that has deeper roots, know that you’re not alone—and there's a path to reclaim your life. It’s called individuation, and it’s a journey every one of us is meant to take, though most of us haven’t been taught how.
Individuation is the process of moving from tribal authority—where others define who you are and how you live—to personal authority, where you hold the authorship of your life. It’s about learning to trust yourself, your choices, and your path without constantly looking outward for approval.
The term individuation stems from the Latin roots:
In: meaning "into" or "toward"
Dividuus: from the Latin verb dividere, meaning "to divide" or "to separate"
-tion: a suffix forming nouns of action, process, or result
The word individuation originally meant the process of making something indivisible or distinct. This is the threshold from the hive mind to self trust. In a psychological or philosophical sense, individuation refers to the process by which an individual becomes a distinct entity, especially as discussed by Carl Jung, who saw it as the process of integrating the various parts of the self to become whole. In this deeper sense, it’s about becoming "undivided" in one’s unique, integrated identity.
Individuation captures both the concept (and lived contextual experience) of distinguishing oneself and of becoming whole and integrated. This matters for many reasons we will continue to cover, but one of the deepest reasons is the gift of taking up one's responsibility for the community as an individuated being. It is much harder to be of service if we are enmeshed or stuck in childish codependent patterns with our relationships.
Carl Jung described individuation as the process by which a person becomes who they are meant to be. It’s the shedding of false identities—those that were created to please others or conform to society’s expectations—and stepping into a deep relationship with your true self. Jung said, “The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.” But the truth is, many of us are walking around, waiting for permission to claim that privilege.
Extra Credit: It doesn't end at personal authority, despite the modern mind's desires to be the end of the line of importance and enlightenment. The 3rd and final phase is Divine Authority, where we complete the cycles by truly learning how to surrender our personal Will to the Will of the Divine, but this is a conversations for another time. ;)
Why Does This Matter?
Maybe you’ve felt this in your own life: the nagging feeling that you’re not living fully in your truth, but instead bending to fit in or to avoid disappointing others. Perhaps it shows up in relationships—constantly seeking reassurance, or maybe even shaping your desires around someone else’s needs. This happens because many of us were never given the rites of passage to initiate us into adulthood, where we learn that our value is intrinsic and doesn’t come from external sources. Furthermore, the results of this pattern are catastrophic for our relational dynamics - leaving so many of us expecting the unconscious labors of our kin to continually give us the approval we needed to get as children, and are still looking for.
Have you ever felt like we're just a bunch of children, whining and complaining and needing mommy and daddy's attention, but dressed up in adult bodies? Yeah, I have too. It has left us crippled by immaturity, and more dangerous than that - most are not even aware of this pattern that pervades our society. It has become the standard to be obsessed with goodness, with being liked, with letting the world tell us who to be, at the cost of our own soul's evolution.
But why would soul evolution matter in a world that has lost the need for rites of passage anyways?
Why would anyone want to take on the great task of maturing when it's just so fun and easy to be forever young?
What's truly at stake here is the loss of the collective soul, the loss of cultural context that gives our aliveness and humanity depth and meaning. When we lose this taproot, we become adrift in the sea of post-modern obsessions and psychosis that cannot tell just why they feel like shit, don't have a sense of purpose and are perpetually misunderstood in the age of free expression.
We cannot afford to keep the wheel of identity only turning in the direction of hyper-individuality. Our orientation needs to remember the path, the process and the skills gifted to us when we as bravery, bolder questions about who we are, and what this life may be for.
The Missing Rites of Passage
In many ancient cultures, there were clear rites of passage—a process that guided a child into adulthood. Take the classic initiation: a boy (or girl) ventures into the wilderness, faces real challenges, and returns with the wisdom gained through adversity. They come back different, having learned to rely on their own inner strength, knowing that their life is now theirs to guide.
We don’t really do that anymore, do we? Instead, we have a culture of people—myself included at one point—looking outward for validation. We see it all the time. The constant checking of social media likes, reshaping our values to fit in with the current trends, or chasing love and approval in relationships. Without proper initiation, we get stuck in this exhausting loop.
Stephen Jenkinson speaks to this when he says, “We are a culture awash with orphans.” Without a clear sense of self, we become spiritual orphans—disconnected from our own roots, our own power. We rely on the external world to tell us who we are, but the truth is, the world can’t do that for us forever. Eventually, it leads to burnout, anxiety, and a deep sense of being lost.
Initiations can take many forms, and without them being held in ritual, they end up coming by way of trauma, addiction and loss. Life has a way of finding us and gifting us what we need to evolve, but without context and in-tact culture, these experiences end up haunting us instead of awakening us.
How are we to learn the skills of maturing, integrity and wisdom without a proper understanding of the utility and brilliance of individuation?
How Individuation Can Transform Your Life
So, what does individuation actually look like in practice?
Maybe it’s the moment you stop needing your partner’s constant reassurance and start trusting your own sense of worth. Or perhaps it's choosing a career path that feels authentic to you, even if it doesn’t make sense to others. For some, it's as simple as saying no to something that is not what you really need, and honoring your needs as much as your desires to please others.
Individuation is about trusting your inner compass, even when the world offers mixed signals. It’s about standing firm in your truth—especially in the face of struggle or judgment. It's about picking up the responsibility to wield your truth and your life with sovereignty, humility and trust.
And the gifts of this process are priceless:
You stop needing constant answers from others and start tuning into your own inner knowing.
You ask for your needs without shame or guilt.
You speak your truth when it really matters most.
You don't fear conflict and can stay loving when it happens.
You liberate your relationships from the hidden labor of needing others to approve or validate you.
You can be honest with the ones you claim to love the most.
You trust your life’s purpose, even when it’s different from what the world expects.
You experience a deep sense of peace that nourishes your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being.
You share your medicine and voice with the world because you know what you're here to do.
The Path Ahead
Let’s be clear: Individuation isn’t a "one and done" process. It’s an ongoing journey that takes courage and self-honesty. But it’s also the most liberating path you’ll ever walk. It’s the path of becoming who you truly are—not who the world tells you to be. This journey isn’t easy, but it’s absolutely worth it.
I mean really think about that for a second. Let it sink into your body - you are only meant to be all that you already are, and trust that. The game of capitalistic and colonial conditioning has done a damn good job at convincing us that we are only what we become or produce, but it's time to see the illusion and heartbreak of that pathway, and where it's lead us as a collective body.
Imagine the freedom of not needing approval for who you are. Imagine standing grounded in your truth, no matter the external chaos. This is the peace that comes from individuating—knowing who you are so deeply that you stop asking the world for permission to exist.
In my own life, I’ve walked this path through breathwork, ritual, completion of 4 years of traditional vision quest, healing from a decade of addiction, literally being canceled, and a few more initiatory processes that are not meant to be shared without the context in which they lived. And, it’s a journey I continue to take. As a coach, I’ve seen the transformation in others who have chosen this path—the lightness, the clarity, the ease and trust in themselves and in life, and the deep sense of rootedness in themselves that is a HUGE gift to all their relations. It’s like watching someone take a full breath for the first time, finally filling their lungs with the air that’s always been available to them.
Carl Jung said, “The greatest burden a child must bear is the un-lived life of its parents.” But here’s the thing: You don’t have to carry that burden any longer. You don't have to accept the crumbs of your full potential. Our parents also didn't get the change to walk through the fires, to be shown the power of truth, or to choose to live from their own blazing centers. It's not anyone's fault, but it is our responsibility.
An Invitation to Begin
If this resonates with you, if you’ve been feeling that ache for something more real, more authentic—this is your invitation. **You were made to walk this path**, to shed the conditioning that’s kept you small, and to claim the fullness of who you are.
This is the pathway of maturity,
of courage,
of self-trust,
of living in ease,
of cultural deconditioning,
of learning to love bigger,
of saying yes to deeper meaning,
of shedding the heavy layers of societal conditioning.
Individuation and initiation take time, they need context and are best held in experienced containers with those who have themselves walked this path, mapped it's edges and still have a sense of humor.
I'd like to give credit to many teachers who have outlined the path for me: Namely Bill Plotkin, Carolyn Myss, Carl Jung, Carolyn Elliot, Bayo Okomalafe, Maitreya Wolf, Wyld Lee, Daje Aloh, and many others.
We live in the times of weaving the practices and wisdom of the past with what we have accessible to us now in the modern world. And with luck and skill, bridging the gap with reverence, responsibility and respect.
If you're curious about how to learn these skills without needing a life-shattering experience to awaken them in you, I offer my flagship course TRUTH TRAINING to you in service, in courage and in wisdom. It is an 8 week journey into the art and science of individuation, integrity and initiation.
This 'work' is available to all, but you have to be the one to say yes.
In depth and joy -
Jenny Lee
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