Who I Am
There is a place where words fall short, and I feel the most seen there....
"I am the wind that whispers you closer to the water
I am the water that disrobes you from the past
I am the past the comes to haunt you in memory
I am the chill that dances up your spine
I am the breath that gasps as you enter
I am the ease the follows
I am the mountain who's ice flows through you
I am the willow that bends down low to your ear
I am the peace that always remains"
- Jenny Lee
But then that aching longing for connection to life itself finally, through honesty, maturity, and self acceptance, did lead me down a medicine path of communion with plants, becoming a life long student of embodiment, thwarted me into many studies of psychology and spirituality, and through the path of love, lead to to breathwork and earth based psychologies.
All the while, I'm singing my songs and strumming that guitar, doing the only thing I knew how to do... share my heart with the world.
After 27, I still spend years studying consciousness, studying my body and my career as an LMT, exploring psychedelics, and letting relationships do their wild work on my heart. It felt like many years of just studying how to get it wrong, while whole heartedly trying to get it right. I'm sure you can relate.
Then at around 30, something else shifted. I had a horrible MDMA experience that sort of fractured my nervous system, and shot me into the realms of being a "highly sensitive person", which I probably always have been.
After that, things really started to sober up, and unravel to reveal these much deeper truths about myself. Anxiety came in full steam (no wonder I had an eating disorder), and so did an ancestral level of relational terror.
I healed myself from 10 years of bulimia and overcame a very feral and dangerous youth, and held a looooot of pride about that, and after this "overdose" experience, I was forced to see the many, I mean many ways that I was still just looping in my pain body and pain story, and not actually making progress out of it, even though I was able to heal the symptoms.
This is when Breathwave entered my life, I'm sure by no coincidence, and gifted me the most powerful tool I have found in my life long exploration to regulate my nervous system, connect to my higher and spiritual self, and cultivate emotional intelligence and finally release all that had been storing up in my body from the beginning of my life, or before!
It was so funny, I kept trying to do mushrooms and MDMA and "get back into it" but my body kept giving me very uncomfortable and clear "no's", and I will admit it was hard to obey. But I am so thankful for this strange and seemingly bad situation that has guided me into such an integral and sober-er way of living that has drawn so much of my power back into my heart and body, and given me tools to stay here, in this wild and painful and beautiful reality, with greater awareness and bravery.
So, as much as I have read and studied and listened to the wisdom and teachings of many epic and brilliant healers and thinkers, life seems to have given me a LOT of really hard experiences that has shaped and built my capacity to really know the vastness of this human life (I carry many stories of being arrested, being canceled, and many more character building and ego dissolving learning curves ;).
And now it's the season of my life to quiet and calm this fiery life I've lived, and rest these nerves, distill the wisdom I've gained from being a bit over-vigilant, and keep leaning into the truth that it was, and always will be for a reason. That reason being unnamable but felt.
Where I stand now, I have an unwavering faith in the invisible guiding force of life, and a deep trust that all experiences are attempts to teach us more about our selves, and this mysterious life we share. The truth is, I have made it all up as I go, and have learned that that is what everything is doing anyways! There is a gentle permission to just keep listening, keep loving, keep reclaiming my power and capacity, and certainly keep singing and let that be enough.
I have a deep devotion to sharing my stories with those who need a reminder that healing is possible, no matter the short stick we were given or how many times we got it wrong, or never thought we would heal, because it is. It takes a lot of love, an uncomfortable amount of honesty and self awareness, and an ability to not go at it alone.
I will forever be unfolding how to tell such a long and windy road to how the hell I got to this imperfect and spectacular now moment, but this is what I have to share for now. Ask me anything, I'd love to keep getting to know eacother!
My Journey into Wholeness:
It is no easy task to trace the beginnings of my journey towards wholeness, but perhaps such a quest is ultimately irrelevant in the face of the present moment where we now meet.
As I contemplate the path that brought me here, what stands out most prominently is the singular force that propelled me forward: love.
Like any biography, it starts at the longing of what wasn't there as a young person.
Growing up I had very little stability in parental guidance or reliable relationship, nor a guiding force or spiritual orientation what-so-ever.
Profound abandonment, multiple divorces, and no speak or connection to any God left me in quite the pickle, all the while singing and dancing my way to sanity.
I felt orphaned from the true and loving source of life, but this strange beginning gifted me the chance to devote my life to that which she longed for the most:
Soul-level meaning, and Relational Healing.
I became my own support system, my own mystical story teller and , transforming my pain into a potent elixir of medicine.
However, as you could imagine, this life of self-raising birthed many habits of self-sabotage and unhealthy self-soothing in my young adult years. This took the form of eating disorders and alcoholism, excessive drug use, and very disordered relationship habits. You know, the kind of things that incredibly under-advised teenagers run straight into in the lowly search for belonging.
It was a long, dark, strange, and empowering life that lead me up until late 20's when I could finally pull myself from the shadow realms, and reclaim my sense of worth, dignity, and devotion for that which is beautiful, and pervades even the darkest times.